Pursuing Me

Porcelain Parts

2011-04-18T01:07:00.011+08:00

I have been in love with my friend for the past 6 years. Minimum. He knows it, yet we are still friends. I used to and sometimes still think it strange, but it has become our thing. We definitely don't discuss it, we only spoke about it once when I brought it up 5 years ago. We talked about it for all of 5 seconds (i'm not exaggerating),-I couldnt see the need to continue since it was apparent he didn't feel the same way.

There are days I wish we had spoken, and other days, I appreciate the fact that had it been a longer discussion, I might have embarrassed myself further so it feels like a blessing that it ended the way it did. Over the years, we have become closer as friends, yet the distance grows. I stopped hugging him hello a couple of years ago (feels too awkward), accidental brushes against skin bring out defenses normally reserved for criminal trials, every contact reminds of love lost.

Yet we are friends. We share laughs, the latest goss, and our undying love for bollywood films. What makes it work? I don't know, it could be a million things. Effort, care, common interests, etc.

What makes it painful?
The fact that I love him more than any person I know. The fact that I still have hope our friendship will turn into a love story.The fact I know it wont ever.

Inspired By Pretty

2011-03-18T20:12:00.010+08:00

Here it is, lovelies! Do you like it? Id like to extend a BIG thank you to Dionne, who graciously designed the brilliant header (yay!). Isn't she talented? I admit I fell in love with her illustrations the very first time I laid eyes on her blog, so I was more than elated when she agreed to help me out. Thats right, I have awesome blog buddies. And looking forward to making many, many more:)

This week, inspired by the pretty happenings on my blog, I decided to extend the beauty to my real world too. So much so, beige roses , colourful rugs and apple-scented candles(my favourite things) have sneaked their way into my bedroom.It is so relaxing here now that I knocked off before dinnertine last night! Eeep!

So tell me girls,what is the one little thing you can change today to make you cheery?

Photo credit: Laura

Watch This Space!

2011-03-13T23:39:00.007+08:00

And I mean exactly that! New and improved designs coming right up! I figured my blog needed to reflect me a tad more and be a little more aesthetically pleasing. So watch this space, and I promise you, an unveiling of sorts is guaranteed.:)

Simple Pleasures

2011-02-10T22:52:00.011+08:00

Today, I want to pay homage to simple and guilty pleasures. Arent they the best? Its been so long since I indulged in mine that I was beginning to forget what they were, even. Here they are in no particular order (A few have probably slipped my mind, though.ooops.)

Playing sad love songs. Right on top of my list would probably be My Immortal-Evanescense and Hallelujah-Jeff Buckley. Coupled with freezing temperature (airconditioners are miracles), pyjamas, and fruit juice, this is my perfect remedy for a less than cheery day.

Fashion- Thankfully, I dont go beserk everytime the stores update lines, but, I do enjoy mixing and matching separates, playing dress up, trying new hairstyles and just planning outfits for fun nights out. I'd like to describe my style as romantic chic.

Art- This may not strike you as a guilty pleasure, but you have to trust me when I say that my drawing/craft skills are constantly mistaken for preschoolers work. Still, I love indulging in craft projects, creating cards, colouring with oil pastels and viewing art here.

Reading blogs- I have been naughty, just a teeny bit, because this is the first thing I do once I get to work. You have to start the day right, yes? Some of the blogs I love are listed on my page. I particulary wait for updates from Dionne and Popculturelibrarian.

Catching up- Yummy chats over coffee, juice or freshly baked pastries with family/friends. Nothing like it in the world. I mostly like funny stories. This is by far my most favourite thing in the world. And in case you're wondering about the pastries, I am utterly and completely partial to banana breads.

Dreaming- This is one activity I indulge in most. I just curl up on my sofa and stare out into my garden and dream of the future, possibilities, art projects, sinful desserts, and happy endings.

Can you reveal your simple/guilty pleasures? What are they?

Pic: Raquel Aparacio

Season's Greetings!

2010-12-31T14:05:00.005+08:00

2010, like previous years, was a mixed bag of love, family, friends, falls, dreams, lessons and new adventures. Tonight, I am going to usher in the new year at a barbecue party with family and friends whilst sipping some champagne, dancing to horrendous 80's music (for some reason- my family loves ABBA and MJ ) and talking. I cant think of a more perfect way to celebrate 2010:)

Heres a list of to-dos I hope to achieve in 2011

Expand my set of friends
Get active
Attend more parties
Manage work better
Save some $$
Laugh more

Any to dos on your list for 2011? Do share! Happy New Year all and wishing you the best in 2011!

Lovely to-do lists

2010-12-16T15:28:00.005+08:00

At my job, December and June are our busiest months in the year.

This year,I volunteered for additional work. With the added responsibility came the added hours at office (18-hour workdays), and the inevitable stress . I don't quite manage stress well and hence have been having a pretty schlumpy December. Fortunately, Ive cleared work, as of today, and now its time to unwind and have some fun! To start the fesitivities, Ive created a fun to-do list for the next four days.

And the activities included are:

Getting started on reading Twilight. I'm relenting to global pressures. Shhh!:)
Spring cleaning my bedroom-I love clean sheets, and the smell of freshly laundered clothes.
Cooking paella. This is by far my favourite-est dish, and I've been just a tad scaredy-cat to attempt cooking it. Wish me luck!
Watching Hallmark Christmas Movies. They are cheesy, over the top and just my type of Christmas movie.
Taking a nice long relaxing bath complete with pedis and manis.The indulgence!
Finding a gorgeous dress for Christmas and my birthday.I am just a teeny anxious about hitting 30, but Im hoping my my magical new dress will make me feel better!

So what are your ways to unwind from a particularly stressful week? Is it a bath, wine, food, books? What helps you relax?

(art by: Richard Dingwall)

Weekend Inspiration

2010-11-25T21:10:00.014+08:00

Evidently, I haven't quite been writing furiously and to be honest, I don't want to dwell on on the reasons why. I will say this, I felt like I didn't have anything worthwhile to write about for a while there, and I hope to change it this time around.

Weekends are a special time for me, like everyone else.I pack in a load of activities into my weekend to maximise every minute. Sometimes, I even compromise on sleep to do this.

Mostly, I look forward to attending nights out with friends, cooking(occasionally), catching up on movies and reading. On a side note, I'm currently reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Its a surprisingly engrossing read -despite Oprah's book club sticker. I adore and am inspired by the woman, we just read different:). The characters are raw, complex and real. Highly recommended reading, if you haven't had the chance to read it yet.

This weekend is both my sister's and father's birthday. Tomorrow, plans are to have a fun night out (dinner and dancing!) with my sister and on Saturday, we are hosting a tiny dinner party for my dad. I want to do something special for the party on Saturday night but cant decide what. Im thinking 'thank you' cards or helping out with the dining table decorations.

What do activities do you like to engage in during the weekends?

PS: Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Heres to a fun filled weekend with your loved ones:)

photo credit: Cassia Beck

Laugh... No, Guffaw Through Life

2010-01-13T08:53:00.009+08:00

Sometimes, all you need is a good laugh. And boy, did I get one. I met up with 4 of my bestest friends and it was a laugh fest from the word go. Recounting past mishaps, (mis)adventures and our drunken antics.My tummy still hurts and I am still beaming. Although, to be totally honest, I am trying very hard(but unsuccessfully) to keep it under control and not appear ridiculous/insane in public. Its been a longest time. Mental note to self: Repeat this as often as I can.

So tell me, what makes you laugh?

ps: Am coming up with a reasonably long post soon. This post couldn't wait, though:)

photo credit: Tamara Gazer

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T21:47:00.005+08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope those of you who are celebrating will have the most joyous time with family and friends. In my part of the world, it is not common to celebrate it, but really reflecting and being grateful for blessings is always timely isnt it? So here, I have listed some of the things I am grateful for this year.

My body giving me a wake-up call about my health.
Job satisfaction
Stronger familial ties
Standing up for myself
Help
Discovering possibilities of/roads to happiness
Self love
Hobbies

Thank you, universe!Happy weekend everyone!

ps: I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium over the weekend, and what a treat it was. This quote stuck with me 'Your life is an occassion. Rise to it.'

Blogspace To Let. $25 per square cm.

2009-11-10T23:20:00.007+08:00

***Disclaimer: Full blown rant ahead!***

My most relaxing moment after I come home from work is reading blogs. Its something I look forward to.I completely cherish my one hour or so that I can sit in front of the computer and just let my mind wander/travel. There are many aspects of blogs that Iam stupendously in love with and am absolutely in awe of. Interesting experiences, the things that make people tick all around the world. I am always, constantly astounded on how human experiences are similar despite being in different parts of the world. But most of all? I treasure my connections with my fellow bloggers. I like reading about their day, their daily to-dos, how they like their coffee served etc.

I have a bone to pick though. I realise some peoples blogs have turned out into ad spaces rather than personal blogs. Selling out on a personal blog to market products? When does it go too far?

For me, at least, they go too far, when "Really, sista?" is the first thought running through my head after reading the post. Ill be the first to admit, I do recommend blogs I like or unashamedly lust for handbags or clothes publicly on my blog without second thoughts. I participate in giveaways, cross my fingers and hope to win.But come on. Some people literally shove their friends wares down your throat at every given opportunity. Every single post.

So my question is, where/when does the selling stop? I walk into the office, and my colleagues (bless their souls) are trying to sell me their homemade chocolate cakes, savouries,etc. I come home, I switch on the idiot box and am bombarded with Happy Meal and travel advertisements. I like Ronald-we share some great memories, but I really dont need to be reminded of his existence every 15 minutes.I try to eat dinner, but some telemarketeer has found home phone number and is convincing me to buy spanners. I kid you not. I try and read blogs, and again, have to filter the 'adblogs' out.

I tell you what. I ve had enough.

Am I the only one on this ? Am I paranoid and reading too much into this or do you feel the same way?Tell me your thoughts, ladies!

Birthday!

2009-11-03T07:45:00.004+08:00

Today marks the one year anniversary of this blog. When I first started out, this blog was meant to be a venting grounds for me to take me day's stress out. My diary. With lots of notes to self. Today, it has evolved to much more than that. As I leaf through my past entries, I see a smorgasboard of topics. My experiences, and memories with friends and family, good times Ive had as well as reminders about taking care of myself and my search for love. Most of all this blog has blessed me with the friendship of some people I wouldve never known existed any other way.Dionne, Mari, Kaye,Anu, Chelsea, Pri, so many more.It has been terrific so far , and I hope to continue writing and reading for a long time to come.So thank you, everyone, for reading and commenting and making this journey one I treasure!!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-30T08:15:00.006+08:00

These are my favourite months in the year. I ve got so much holiday spirit (saved up from the first 9 months) that Im almost brimming over! I think it must be in my genes, because, I have to say, my family is the same! But first, its time to dress up, and strut out as characters we would never dream of emulating in everyday life. The delicious magic of Halloween!

I remember a long time ago, I used to play dress up with my mum's dresses, heels 5 sizes too large, and fake pearl necklaces. I would pretend I was the Czar's wife and mimic her stony look in photographs, or Benazir Bhuto completing mylook with the mandatory shades, shawl and heels, Those were really fun times!

So this year, with my brimming over holiday holiday spirit, Ive decided to dress up as Patch Adams. Patch Eve in my case. :) Ill be spreading cheer, telling funny stories, and just being silly. I cant wait!

Ladies, do indulge and tell me what are your favourite costumes and what did you dress up as a kid!

Dash.

ps: I love an idea in Nina's blog to send Christmas cards out to my readers via snail mail. If youd like to receive a Chrismas card from me, do send your address by Nov 20th to pursuingme@gmail.com. And dont worry, I too will not give it out to any other persons or organisations. I just think its a wonderful way to connect!

The Bits You Don't Get from Books

2009-10-15T21:04:00.001+08:00

If you met me in real life, you'd think I was contending for the'Chattiest Cathy' title on this side of the planet. I am not stretching the truth by any means. You can put me to the test. I'll ramble away quite willingly given any random topic. Politics, the Michael Jackson memorial, Oreo and cream cheesecake, vintage goodies, the weather, holidays, emotional drama, facebook, anything else on the side and everything else in the middle. Let me assure you I am not bragging, simply because most of the time, youll probably correctly guess that I have absolutely zilch knowledge on the aforementioned topic. Yup, I am one of those people. The one never fails to have a story, comment, opinion, etc about every single banana under the sky.

Yep, I am the soulmate you were looking for. :)

Moving on. Today, I volunteered for a free counselling session with the psychology department. I met my therapist and she said it was going to be an exploratory session. Meaning I talk for an hour and a half. 90 minutes. Non-stop. I really didnt think I'd have that much to say, but I did. I recounted eveery sob story in my life, narrated a few short stories from 'A New Earth' , had a chat about Oprah Winfrey and friends (nearly all of them), discussed the inventions of Leonardo Da Vinci (I am as serious as a heart attack!) and a diverse range of other topics.

But today, contrary to my rattling habits, I'll sayI learnt something. I learnt to say 'I feel' instead of 'I think'.I learnt to look for similar patters in my behaviour in the stories I recount. I learnt to voice my heart.

For today, I am thankful.

Any similar eye-openers ladies? Did you read anything that gave u an a-ha moment? A behaviour altering episode? Do share!

Love Note to my Lovelies

2009-10-13T15:35:00.006+08:00

Hello lovelies,

I found this poem in The Time-Travelers Wife and it struck a chord with me. I am only halfway through the book, but I cant stop thinking about it. It is refering to the author's personal experience on losing love and finding himself (from what I gather through my reading on the internet). I am sure you can identify on different levels with it. Personally, I think poem is so important for woment as it might help them find their identity, love themselves,etc. Id like to dedicate this poem to all you lovely readers( who make more than my day!) and I hope u enjoy it as much as I do.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

An Attraction Formula, Perhaps?

2009-10-06T13:45:00.007+08:00

Its intriguing;the art of attraction. We go to a club, we doll up, pick up a pretty dress, put on some sexy shoes and we are off. We smile at random strangers who make eye contact, we are our super friendly selves and great conversationalists. With the help of alcohol off course. A date with a guy at the local cafe? The opposite. We dress down, bring out our most natural selves, indulge in cookies and hot chocolate and really get to know the other person. In restaurants? Halfway between the two settingsI am guessing. All in the name of attraction.

For me, attraction always came slow. I do not get attracted to the hunk in the opposite table or the snazzy dresser in the office. Attraction for me takes a long time. Its when I know the person inside and out and realise, he really is nice and I might like to date him at some point.However, by this time, off course,he has turned into my best friend. Winning formula. Lol.

So how does attraction arrive for you ladies? Early on when hes dressed and speaks nice? When he makes you laugh? Do share your stories!

Random Musings and an Interesting Date

2009-09-22T18:36:00.010+08:00

Lately, I have been secretly yearning for lush, long hair. Im talking waist length. I want to put it up, straighten it, curl it, etc. Theres a real quiet sexy confidence about long hair, I think, that cannot be felt by others but by the wearer everytime she thinks of it or even feels its ends swishing at the back of her waist. :) I have a dream.;

On a different note, I have been working really hard the past few months, and it just dawned unto me that I havent really stepped out of my comfort zone and immersed myself in new cultures or seen more places. Id like to go to India, or Japan or the Greek Islands, or Egypt anywhere interesting. I actually started dreaming after seeing Dionne's picturesof the Greek Islands. . :) Also, if any of you have recommendations, please yell them out!I love hearing about exciting places!

Also, went on a date this weekend. it has been quite a while,so I am a little rusty. It turned out interesting to say the least. A mutual friend introduced us and so we decided to meet for lunch. He was super nice and interesting and funny and generally I got a feeling that he was the good sort. Although, he confessed later that he was actually in a serious relationship with someone else and that his family wasnt too happy with it and that was why he was forced to come out on dates. Errm Yes. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. soi told him it was great meeting him, i wished him well, and that i hoped everything worked out for him. He was a sweetheart though. Id sure like to be friends with him.

So that, in a nutshell, was my weekend. I did also manage to catch up with some friends and family, as well as buy new sheets (yeay!) and visit the local cafe and read some books. Loved it all.

Of Weddings, Parties, Cakes and Good Times

2009-09-09T22:42:00.009+08:00

The wedding dais

A statue of the Lord Ganesh (for blessings)

Rice Art

Rose Petals to be thrown at newlyweds

Left: Me, Right: Brand New Family!

Its been a whirlwind of activities these past few weeks. Which explains my absence in blogosphere, and I aplogise. I am sorry I havent written in a bit, and I truly regret not being able to read all your posts and commenting. I am eager however, to do a blog reading marathon, and am saving it for the weekend. I hope I have not offended any one of you, and thank you for checking in on me and the sweet, sweet comments. I know I have the best blog friends in the world.:)

With the wedding planning, and the dance nights organised at our house, the actual wedding and the reception afterwards, it was truly an effort to take 1 hour off for anything.Despite the lack of time for myself, I really did have the time of my life. The constant flow of family and friends in and out of the house, the dancing, the comraderie, really did remind me of the more beautiful things in life. I do not get very emotional in public, but this wedding, sometime in the middle, I cried. It was beautiful. Heres a couple of pics we took, hope u enjoy them.

Arent weddings just soo romantic?

Can You Really Hear Me?

2009-08-10T21:35:00.005+08:00

I have a completely mind boggling story to tell today. I am all confused and baffled and am clueless as towhat to make of it at present time, but here goes. Technically, its not a story, just a series of happenings.

I find it ultra hard to go to sleep on Sunday nights. Ever since I was a child. I get so overwhelmed by the upcoming week, that I at least need two hours to fall asleep. Last night was no different. I decided to turn on some music on my laptop for help. The likes of Coldpay-Fix You (which is by far my most favouritest song ever!), Ingrid Michaelson's Keep Breathing and Switchfoot's You. Which naturally got me into a like a weird mushy emo mood. And for some strange reason, I started talking to the Universe.Which is totally strange to me. I have never done it before, yet I did. I talked. I asked.

I said that I dont need a boyfriend, but itd be sure nice to have one, and that i was confident the Universe was going to find me the exact guy I wanted. My perfect one. The one that complemented me.I was buttering the Universe up. Spreading it thick. I remember smiling and drifting off to sleep.

Fast Forward this morning. 9am. In my office. Me checking emails. Completely forgot about 'divine want'.

I come across an email from an unfamiliar address. I quickly realised it was an ex-boyfriend. Long story short, it was a super toxic relationship which lasted 4 years. We loved each other but drove each other up the wall. So we ended it. We were friends off and on after that, but once he got married, I decided it wasnt appropriate anymore, simply because we had issues and feelings simmering beneath the mask of friendship. That was 2 years ago.

So you can imagine my suprise this morning when I received the email. He asked how I was and that we should meet up just to catch up. I was so shocked, I took an insanely sharp breath, which in turn prompted my roomie to assume I was having an asthma attack.

Im wondering though.Did the Universe really hear me? Because subconciously, I always felt that he was the One. Like a long time ago. He definitely isnt now. And He-LLO, I meant someone different and new and exciting who fits me?

Isnt that totally bizarre? I dont know what to make of it.

Thats it right there, the story. Tell me what you think. I just find it too hard to believe that its a mere coincidence, yet I cant tell yet how much I believe of this universe theory. What do you think?

The Unforgettable Teacher

2009-07-28T20:49:00.006+08:00

I have had the pleasure of meeting many, many different faces these past weeks, simply because I took up a position in a university. New roomie,(I share an office with her), new colleagues and a brand new boss. I am super pleased to report that I now work 8 hours a day (yeayy!!) like normal, sane members of society and am having a blast so far.

On a different note, I have to confess though, that sometimes, I miss my university (where I completed my postgrad program). My supervisor, lecturers, the community as a whole. I was in complete awe of my supervisor and working with him was the single most greatest experience in my life. So much so, I stayed on some extra months just so I could work on some projects with him.

You see, my supervisor was my one unforgettable teacher. He was an intellectual. He was kind, and smart and very encouraging, and liberal, and patient and really all of the great things I dreamt of in a teacher. I owe my passion in academics to him, I owe my sense of achievement to him, but most of all, my want to become a better human being? All him. Truth is, I never even gave a thought to self improvement/betterment until I met him and spent days (literally) wondering how it was that he could be perfect. Surely, he must have had his fair share of struggles and triumphs. Yet he views everything/everyone with a fresh set of glasses. No projudices or judgements attached. I wanted to be like him. He was my person. So when it was time to move, I did it with a heavy heart, and a constant guilt pang, and a sinking stomach that resurfaced every now and then when I let my mind wander towards my unfulfilled dreams.

Today, however, after a whole year, I had the privilege of meeting a certain professor at a training session, who once (a year ago)struck me as the kind of person I would want to work with. Again, he is kind, and smart and really someone I look up to. I have done my research on the topics he covers, the man that he is and his various achievements. So with mybreath held, I gathered whatever was left of my courage to speak with him during the lunch break. I told him of my research topic and my plans. He paused, I fidgeted anxiously. He took a breath, and said, " It'll be my pleasure."

I am ecstatic. :):)

So tell me,girls, who are your unforgettable teachers? What made them your unforgettable teacher?

For Mari

2009-07-14T23:27:00.005+08:00

Today I want to talk about one of my favourite readers, Mari. She is the nicest, kindest, most loving and strongest human person I have come across Despite going through an extremely challenging time in her life right now, she has shown love, care and strength to all around her. I will not go into the details, but Id like to propose we send a prayer to her and her family, so they can continue savouring each day whilst bravely trudging on.

Sending love your way.This one is for you, Mari.

Through Rose-Tinted Glasses

2009-07-08T21:37:00.007+08:00

I took some time off this weekend to reconnect with family and friends. Oh, and what a treat it was! From the warm conversations to delicious meals and the swirly fuzzy feeling afterward, this weekend turned out to be one of the more memorable ones. Also, rediscovered (I was a fan in my teens) my love for Jeffrey Archer novels. I was clearing up my drawers, when I found the Sons of Fortune novel nestled in a corner, all dusty and yellow, but bringing back memories of many, many lovely rainy nights and me tucked under warm covers devouring every word.

Time and again, I am reminded that every single day is indeed beautiful. Today, I witnessed the most beautiful speech by Paris Jackson. And today, I spent a whole half hour playing with my 4 year old cousin. For breakfast, I had the most delicious cookie and cream muffin. I ate only a quarter, but it was well worth the indulgence. Speaking of indulgences, I also rediscovered my love of iced lemon tea. Nothing like it in the world.

Its been positive and uplifting, these 5 days. It feels spiritual.

Of Thank You Notes and Promising Tommorrows

2009-06-30T23:40:00.006+08:00

So here we are. I an pleased to admit that I am in a much better place from my last post (yeay!) and am taking one day at a time.Thank you all for your lovely comments, it means the world to me, and I cannot thank you enough. But thank you again. I love you all.

Tommorrow, I am starting a new job ( I decided to forego my very satisfying (not!) , number cruching career in banking and take up a research/teaching offer), and although it is paying less, I have a funny feeling I'll enjoy myself and live a little more. So heres to tommorrow!

Why I Havent Written in a While

2009-06-28T01:23:00.004+08:00

I needed the time off. I am not even ready to think of anything at this moment.Ever since the bleak diagnosis, my mind has turned towards little else. I am delving deeper into disbelief, guilt ,shame and an inablility to respond to the current situation. I glanced at my diagnosis sheet 18 days ago and have not gathered the courage to read the whole three pages till now. Everytime a mealtime approaches, I visualise my fatty liver , am instantly disgusted and afraid, yet still am tempted to binge to numb the pain. I manage to resist. Most of the time, at least. I dream of strawberry shortcakes and tiramisu all day long. I sleep to numb pain and thoughts. I have not jogged, walked or performed any form of exercise to counter the problem.

I read inspirational blogs every single day. Mari, the strongest person I have encountered, who despite having unbelievably difficult days, manages to savour and turn each moment into a blessing. Nina, who has the ablity to see beauty in cute mugs, hot summer days, and exercise. Dionne-who is her every reader's sunshine (from what I read in the comments section) and Anu, the spirit who rises up again after every blow thrown her way. All of you, I salute and honour you.

What baffles and defeats me every day is my inability to draw from your strengths. I hope I will soon.

Sifting through the information

2009-06-10T16:01:00.009+08:00

I am finally back from the hospital today, and boy was I in for a shock. I initially got admitted for for stomach surgery (really awful gastritis) and found a host of other things including:

1. very VERY high stress levels

2. fat in my liver (which I am told is usually found in people over the age of 45- I am 28)

3. an inflammation in my intestines

4. and high cholestrol levels.

I have been prescribed a drawerful of medication and told to exercise and meditate.

I need to change my lifestyle for myself. Starting now.

ps: Anu, looks like I will be joining you on that no alcohol plan for an indefinite period.

Hospital

2009-06-08T01:26:00.004+08:00

Tad nervous today as I am undergoing minor surgery tommorrow. I dont know exactly what I am nervous about though. Its fairly routine for the doctors, I think. Well, I hope. Which means that I probably will be posting more (yeay!) or not posting in a while. I am taking this opportunity to apologise in advance if the latter is the case. On a brighter note, I will be away from work for a few days for some well deserved r&r. If I may say so myself. Till then, darlings!

Retro Reads

2009-06-03T16:02:00.008+08:00

Archie proposed to Veronica! Admittedly, throughout the years, the chemistry was undeniably apparent between Archie and Veronica, but I still secretly harboured hoped that he would choose Betty. Sweet, loyal, lovely, gorgeous Betty. Still, congratulations to both Archie and Veronica. From what I read, Jughead is to be the best man, and Veronica intends to ask Betty to be her maid of honour.

I personally think Archie will rethink this proposal, frolic with both girls, for say, another decade or two before making his final decision to get married.

What are your thoughts, girls? Who should Archie have proposed too? Do you think Betty will accept to be the maid of honour? How do you think this will end?

Confessions of a Telly Addict

2009-05-31T11:28:00.008+08:00

The telly is addictive.For me, at least. I can watch anything and everything boradcasted. Sitcoms, movies, cartoons, news programs, debates, discussions, foreign movies, MTV, cooking shows, documentaries, soaps, cultural performances, etc, etc. I can vegetate in front of the telly 3 hours weekdays and up to eleven hours on weekends.

This morning, a timely wake up call arrived. Deciding to sleep in a little today, I woke up a little later than normal, still woozy and hobbling into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of orange juice, ready to live out my perfect, lazy Sunday. Then there it was. The loud blaring of the telly. My mum was watching a movie in a foreign language at 10.30am! I never really thought about how unsettling the noise was to others, until experiencing it this morning.

So starting today, I am pledging to turn off the telly and just live a little more. However tired I am after work. I pledge to talk. To sip a little wine and to eat dinner with company, not in front of the telly. I think its grand idea. Nina has discussed this tv addiction phenomenon previously, even going as far as declaring her Tuesdays tv-free, but I couldnt join in before. I wasnt ready. I still cant do that yet, switching off the tv for an entire day, but I refuse to watch it mindlesslyat the expense of my life. So what is your bad habit that you'd like to get rid off?

Best Bit/Find Today

2009-05-26T11:02:00.007+08:00

I am very excited about my new find. I stumbled upon it by chance only an hour ago, but what a treat it has been! Its only 11 am but I am going on a limb here and announcing my it as my best bit for today.

So here it is , ladies. A new blog that I absolutely adore here. She is wise, inspiring, funny and says lots and lots of clever things. I just read her memorial day post and its brilliant to say the least. So read away, darlings, and hope its a fun find for you too! And to Jules, I really cannot wait to read more posts!

Mister Meeting

2009-05-22T00:41:00.012+08:00

I miss being in a relationship. Its true. So much, I am yearning for it.

I miss being able to always have someone to have dinner with, no matter what day of the week; talking about nothing and having him listen unconditionally; I miss spoiling him rotten. I miss daydreaming about him in the middle of the day; holding hands; I miss calling /receiving calls for no apparent reason; smiling for no apparent reason. Mainly, I miss loving and being loved by someone.

It is a quest, isnt it? To seek the perfect fit. The Yin to my Yang. The strawberries on my shortcake . The key to my heart. I admit it.The last one was ott corny.:):)

I cant quite tell if the Big Ben I have for a biological clock is prompting me to find a decent bloke to produce semi-decent offspring or if I really am ready for another relationship. For now though, maybe its best I concentrate on fulfilling my personal everyday quest. To read another few pages, to take walks at the park, to splurge on comfy pillows, and to try and be the best person I can be. Every day.

And Love, you ask? Love will come.

p/s: Please bear with the stuck-together paragraphs. Cannot seem to separate them for some strange reason!

Today's Best Bit

2009-05-16T01:46:00.009+08:00

I treated myself today (it IS friday, after all) and bought the most decadent pair of orange exfoliating gloves. Dont they look delicious?:) So delicious, images of butterscotch ice cream, toffee, mango flavoured lollies and cubed peaches took turns swirling in my head. All day.I kid you not. No, really. I inadvertently increased my productivitiy levels exponentially at work.:):)

At lunchtime, I walked into the store knowing exactly what I wanted, and marched towards the relevant section. Spotted the gloves and spent 5 minutes deciding on the colour. Settled on yummy butterscotch. Proceeded to daydream again. Euphoria, baby.:) Undeniably best bit of my day.

Best bits rock, don't they? If you think so too, I am proposing this. Every week, I will pick a day in which I will talk about little bits of my day that made my step a tad bouncier, my smile an inch wider, and my eyes a little dreamier. And you tell me about yours best bits of your day too. So the happy travels. What do you think?

April Adventures

2009-05-06T00:53:00.012+08:00

My laptop blew up. No kidding. Sadly for me, that meant no blogging till it got repaired. It is fixed now, but Id like to apologise to all of you lovelies, for the extended absence.Also because I am not one of those people who blog in cybercafes. Just cant bring myself to do it. On the bright side, the brilliant implication is, *drumroll* ....I have so much to say! So lookout ladies, heres one jam-packed JUICY post coming your way!And to make your reading journey easier, I will head paragraphs:):)

Work

This little paragraph is dedicated to Dionne, who made my day today when she asked how I was finding my new job. Thanks, hun! The new job is exciting and challenging and I've made some really nice friends, and its all really exciting so really, Im soaking it up at the moment. Am struggling a little with the new boss (who isnt, right?) who clearly is not overjoyed that I'm of a different racial background than her, but am managing for now (by managing, I mean working 13 hour days). Other than that, I love the work.

Sisters wedding

My little sister has decided to get married this August, ( yes it IS four months away) so we are working frantically to organise three whole events (the wedding ceremony, a dance party and a formal dinner party) in the short time. I have to confess though, that most of the time, instead of looking for decorators and ordering cakes, Im actually walking past stores hunting for the perfect cocktail dress! Okay, so ladies, I might need your help here. I have a bit of a tummy and am looking for an extremely tummy-forgiving dress. Any particular cut/design you would recommend?

Kite Runner

I picked up this book a couple of days ago after wanting to read it for the longest time. So, with great expectations, I devoured page after page. What a book! For those of you who have not read it, this is the time! Its gripping, the characters are completely relatable and really, its brilliant! A complete eye opener. Perfect example of acting upon second chances.

Wicked Weekends

The weekends have been good for me this month. Managed to drive up to the beach last weekend, had too much delish seafood, and caught up with my reading. Also have been trying to perfect the art of painting on glass. Lets just say Ive got a long way to go, but i'm enjoying it, so why not, right?

Well, that in a nutshell, are my highlights for the month of April. Am looking to cut back on my working hours in May by either getting ALOT more efficient or discussing my workload with the boss. And taking more weekend trips . And reading more. :) So till my next adventure (I pomise I wont take too long!), I bid you adieu!:)

xoxo

ps: There is no relevance of the picture to the post, but I happened to stumble upon it and its beautiful, so just sharing it here:)

Good News!

2009-03-31T19:17:00.004+08:00

I was offered a position last week and so far it sounds terrific! So I start tomorrow, and will be reporting to the human resource department with my signature jumbo cup of soy milk!:)So thank you all guys, for all the support, kind wishes and good luck you sent my way. I am thoroughly appreciative and blessed.

Now, I am concentrating on experience every last delicious non-working moment. Which means How I Met Your Mother marathons, afternoon naps, hanging out at the park and blogging.

Yum!

ps. I am a vision board convert now. It truly works!

Sleep

2009-03-25T23:45:00.003+08:00

Its been a pretty long time since I felt really tired and ready for bed. Im not an insomniac by any stretch of imagination, but really, being jobless does take its toll after the first 2 months. So its a great relief today that at midnight (which is early for me) I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. i atttended 3 interviews today and went for one medical check up running up and down town. Baby steps, it is.:)

Cat Fights on Different Levels

2009-03-16T15:33:00.006+08:00

I am terrified of conflicts. To illustrate, here's a story.Two cats which live in my neighbourhood, constantly fight each other. They are adorable creatures by themselves, but when they meet, they are as fierce as tigers. I'm not joking. They literally engage in face offs, tear each others skins off but mainly try and murder each other. Like I said, serious business. Every time I walk up/down my street, I pray to a higher power so we dont cross paths. Such is my fear of confrontations. Cat confrantations included.

I shy away from confrontations, mainly because I despise having tension in the room. I need life to be a party. Like happy days, every day. There are many issues in my life that I have learnt to ignore or simply let go because of this.

My weight has been an easy target for jokes or comments from my family for more than 18 years. Like I do not kid you, every 4 minutes, and its time to comment on Dash's weight. I never really confronted anyone or told them it was mean and hateful all along. I never was going to anyway. All was going well.

Yesterday, as my siblings and I were watching Biggest Loser on tv, my older sister passed a comment that it was going to be REALLY difficult for me to lose weight, as not only was I fat, I was lazy.

Cue Dash. After 18 years, I blew up. The rage I held in for too long burst out and I let her know that she was being rude and arrogant, and that it was not nice in ANY country to spit out hateful comments. Which was more than enough for her to blow up. She told me she was sick of me being fat and being an embarassment to her. Long story short, the fight went on for about an hour.

I regret the manner I told her how I felt, but strangely I am overjoyed that I let it out after so many years. I am overjoyed that I stood up for myself, for once. I wasn't going to be bullied so we all live in pretend Utopia.

I dont know how to deal with this. She sees her taunting as motivation for me to lose the weight. Even though she has been told otherwise. In my opinion, its a bad habit she is defending so she will not have to deal with it.

But I suppose I have to learn to deal. She is not about to change her principals, so I guess it has to be me.

Ah, to be siblings, yet still SANE!

Paying Chivalry Forward

2009-03-09T23:41:00.007+08:00

It makes my day when I happen to catch an act of kindness. Or chivalry. On Saturday evening, on my way home from the beach, an old Asian woman got on the bus (my route) and we were about half an hour into the journey when she realised that she caught the wrong bus. It certainly didnt help that she parked her car15 minutes in the opposite direction. She decided to inform the driver. As I tried to get her bearings sorted out in my mind, a young man probably about 18-20 years of age, sprung up and offered her a lift home. Normally, I would advise friends and family never to wholly trust strangers, but this guy, he sounded genuine. She accepted. Still skeptical, I walked up to her, gave her my mobile number and told her to ring me as soon as she got home, so I'd know she was safe.

20 minutes after I reached home, she called. She told me that the young man drove her to her parked car, and tailed her till she got home as it was dark and he was worried. She went on to say she couldnt believe how kind people were this part of the world. She was a tourist. She gave me her number and promised to write. Best of all, she promised to pass the favor on.

The hero for the day- the young student who drove her home, no questions asked,- I will never forget for that simple act of kindness. Especially in a world where young executives refuse to sacrifice their seats for pregnant women on the train. That Saturday, he taught me an important lesson too. Trust. I too, promise to pass the favor on.

When I Grow Up

2009-03-03T15:11:00.012+08:00

This will be first dream/vision board that I am working on. Numero uno. Which might sound daunting to some folks, but frankly, I was raring to go. Arts and crafts are totally my thing. Bring it on. I love assembling pretty pictures and talking about myself. Plus, I googled 'vision boards' and have seen some really amazing samples. So, easy peasy, right?

Wrong!!:):)What started off as a fun project has now forced me to reflect and re-evaluate my goals, the person I want to become and really what my purpose here on earth is-short and long term. It's a tad overwhelming, simply because I realised very quickly after that I dont have clear goals or objectives.Which I now know is the perfect opportunity to deciphering my dreams. One dream at a time. How much more fun can you ask for?

Heres a snapshot of what might be on my dream/vision board as of this minute. Unfortunately, I seriously lack the ability to collate images on my computer-even with photoshop, but I hope this inspires you to create your own vision board and turn your every dream into a living reality. Cheers to the adventure!

Note on Picture 1-5

1. Living Well

2.Landing My Dream Job

3. Meeting a man like my secret crush, Dr. Oz

4.Visiting the Taj Mahal

5. Getting a bedroom makeover

Off to Decipher Dreams,

Dash.

Of Little Boys and Girls with Masquerading Hairbrushes, Shampoo Bottles and Broomsticks

2009-02-25T10:15:00.019+08:00

I always, always find the Academy Awards ceremony inspiring. From the exquisite dresses right down to the awe-inspring video montages and soul stirring acceptance speeches.

Time and again, the Oscars remind us of the resilience and the ultimate triumph of the human spirit. From the acting goddess (Meryl Streep)who after multiple nominations, still churning out jaw dropping performances; the beat up actor (Mickey Rourke) rising again in the acting ring after losing all; and kids who live so far below poverty lines in slums making it across the globe to touch a piece of their dreams. The human spirit triumphs again!

Which reminds me of this quote:

" “It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement. And at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt (1910).

Happy Dreaming, everyone!

Viva L'Amour

2009-02-13T23:33:00.019+08:00

Im enjoying my spritual journey. The peace, harmony and most of all acceptance I feel for myself, is liberating. I confess that I struggle to meditate or even be still if my day has been particularly tough. Even so, the mere act of taking time out for myself is giving me an obscene amount of joy. Reading for half an hour,absorbing the words written on page, blogging every couple of days or sipping from a cup of mint tea whilst allowing my mind to travel. I just never knew! Isnt that amazing?

This Valentine's Day, for the first time, I will be celebrating me. I havent quite decided on my activites for the day yet, whether I'd be up and about or just hanging in my pyjamas reading. I'm leaving it to my gut tommorrow. And yes, that does mean I will indulge in some chocolates.:):)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Colouring Cravings

2009-02-10T17:18:00.018+08:00

I've had a really strong urge in the past few days to colour with oil pastels. When I close my eyes, I can feel their creamy surfaces gliding on my sketch pad. Red, green, yellow, blue and my personal favourite; gold. Make no mistake, I am no oil pastel art genius. I also loved snapping them till they break into bits, just to test how tiny the flakes coulld get. Oh, and one time, I sprinkled brown crayola flakes on vanilla ice cream and served them up to my sister. Naturally, after that episode, I was not allowed to own any crayon by the parental unit till I was 12. :):)

So this post, is a tribute to crayons, which remind me of simpler times, and are the stuff of kid's dreams. Not very many other things can do that.

Colourfulll yours:):),

Dash.

Post No 2#

2009-02-02T02:50:00.004+08:00

I'm repenting. I will write more this month. Thats a promise. Heck, I'll write up another post tonight. Unfortunately, though, its 3am and I cannnot think up something terribly original or interesting. So I am seizing the opportunity here to yak about myself. I figure it'll be a great way for you readers to get to know me (since I'm new to the blogging scene) and I'll have a new post at the end of it. And oh yeah, consider yourself tagged;)

***Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you (or I know you pretty dang well, but still quite enjoy listening to you talk about yourself).***

Here goes.

1. I write in the middle of the night.
2. My favourite ice cream flavor is butterscotch.
3. I think John Stamos is the sexiest man ALIVE.
4. I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves.
5. I am a bad driver. Ive gotten into 4 accidents the past year alone.
6. I fidget with anything when in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation.
7. I love whisky.
8. I can skip to 500 without stopping.
9. I hate T-shirts.
10. I love Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother
11. Despite the world hating Brangelina, I secretly love them.
12. Touching velvet makes my teeth chatter
13. Animals creep me out
14. I want to meet John Stamos
15. I get restless in aeroplanes. I walk up and down the aisle like a lunatic.
16. I get a new hairstyle at least once a year.
17. I can feel my life slipping away when I do my laundry.
18. I've never been to a zoo.
19. I'd like to be Simon Cowell's stylist.
20. I look like my mom. Or so I've been told.
21. I love my friends
22. I can be too nice.
23. I can have a deep meaningful conversation with anyone.
24. My favourite meat is pork.
25. I am obsessed with my hair.

Moolah Magic

2009-02-02T00:56:00.009+08:00

Snippets from a perfecty random chat with a friend over whisky and wine. It was late and we weren't sober. Naturally.

Ryan: Dash, if you had a billion dollars, what would you do for yourself?

Me: Uhm, I dont know...charity?

Ryan: Grrrrrrrkkkkkk. Wrong answer. Despite your noble intentions, I meant for you. What would you treat yourself on? What would you give yourself?

Me: Ryan, you HAVE to teach me how to make that buzzing sound. I'll be sooo with it.

Ryan: Dash, really.

Me: Fine. I want to go to the Taj Mahal. I want to be there early in the morning, sit down, breathe in the love and feel the earth before anybody else arrives. I want to help needy children. I love watching kids faces light up. I want to be a wanderlust. I want to love someone unconditionally. I've never done it. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be a spokesperson against injustices practised anywhere in the world. It makes me feel needed.

Ryan: You're a complete waste of a billion dollars, mate.

Me: I know. I am worth this whisky, though. Corny don't come free.:)
What would you do for yourself, Ryan, with that billion dollars?

Ryan: I'd buy myself a couple of corvettes.

**************************************************

So what would you guys buy with a billion dollars, then? Buy that apartment by the beach? Or a couple of corvettes? Do share. I would love to know. And feel free to down that glass of wine. :)

Flavour of the Month: Parmesan

2009-01-09T15:29:00.004+08:00

Does cheese hurt? I know the obvious physical consequences. Jeans not fitting, and me not looking oh, so trendy. Paris would so not approve. But seriously, about the mental cheese? And the effects on our thoughts and paradigm?

A couple of friends and I decided to catch a movie the other day, a completely cheesy romantic flick. We had no idea beforehand, and were surprised once it was over. Some pleasantly, and some not so. I admit came out rejuvenated and unashamedly fell in love with love again. I was all smiles, beaming so much, I couldve passed off as the identical twin of Krusty. But apparently irritated some of the others. They felt that it was just too corny and ott. The heroine fell inlove with her nerdy husband (it was an arranged marriage) once she discovered what a sweetheart he really was and the sacrifices he made to keep her happy.

Which made me wonder. What was so over the top about that? The fact that he participated in a sumo wrestling competition to impress her? That he loved her unconditionally? Or that she loved him back? That she looked past his not so hot exterior?

I dont know. What I do know however, is that cheese is what makes my world go round. I love long letters and poems professing love, completely public displays of love and the heart of the guy who participated in the wrestling tournament. Because cheese makes me smile. So whichever it is, Brie, Parmesa, Ricotta or the plain old Cheddar, I say, bring it on. :)

Take that, Paris.

Paint Me Red

2008-12-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

As I sipped my sangria, stretching every last drop in efforts to delay leaving, it became painfully clear that it was inescapable. We were going. And it was final. No exit routes without looking like a total party pooper. I steadied myself on the chair, struggled to erase any expression coming thru and forged excitement. Still, I could feel my fingers slowly becoming numb, my heart racing ahead of any thought, and my feet clamping to the floor.

See, I'm a closet party hater.

Let me explain. I party fairly often, yet I don't quite like the the prospect of losing control during a drunken stupor, I fear mingling, and honest to GOD, I can give William Hung a race for his mega celebrity with my dance moves. So, after we arrived, I did the next rational thing, Dash style. I flooded my raging nerves with more than a couple of glasses of whisky and contented myself watching friends dance from my little corner. Just the usual, in my party diary. Everybody was having a whale of a time except for me. And just like that, that was IT. I decided to have fun, no matter what. Plus, the alcohol kicked in.:) I wanted in on everything.

Oh, I danced like no other night. Hung beating moves included. I was completely sloshed. Absolute anarchy staged a coup in my mind. I waved my inhibitions away. I smiled at perfect strangers for the first time. I smoked a full cigarette. I laughed so hard, my heart hurt. I blurted out so much rubbish, I have undoubtedly incriminated myself in every negative situation; past, present and future.

Still, the morning after arrived. You might be inclined to think I was ready to hang myself from a ceiling fan but the total opposite happened. I am convinced thoroughly that I will do it again. In a heartbeat. Repeat performance absolutely mandatory. Because, despite the less than desirable consequences, it was exhilarating. I was living. I could sense life. I could smell it, feel it and touch it. I can remember it. I lived for that couple of hours. It was friggin' FANTASTIC.

Note to Readers

2008-12-03T01:23:00.001+08:00

Hey guys,

I would really appreciate it if you could leave a comment , opinion or anything you have to share, really, at the end of these posts. I love hearing from you and would like to know what you think as well! Cheers!

Are You Smarter than a 2 Week Newbie?

2008-12-02T23:13:00.000+08:00

Believe it or not, I'm down-to-the-bone tired from a yoga class I participated in 2 hours ago. Yes, you read me right. It is not the morning after. Its not even half a day after. It is now officially 2 hours after class. How is this even possible? My body is either screaming out in pain after years of inactiveness or it is burning so much fat so fast, every part of my body is aching. I'm preferring to believe the latter. I am completely aware there isn't an ounce of logic aboard this train of thought but hey, I am completely content with the delusion. Still, Im pretty excited about the class and so decided to impart some not so useful pieces of advice from the vastly experienced (2 weeks, baby! ) for the perfectly uninitiated candidate. And for those who need a laugh.

Wear an extraordinarily tight top or get tops which reach up to your neck. I am not joking. My fantasies dictated I wore uber cool yoga outfits meant for size zeros that emphasised every sexy curve and hid every patch of cellulite. So I went shopping. I had an excuse. I spent $600 on the outfits and attended my very first class last week. As I thrashed about trying to strike a pose, I realised my low cut top was exposing my front torso and my boobs were hanging out in plain view for public perusal. And some people perused. No kidding. I returned everything I bought and mumbled something about the outfits not fitting my purpose to the salesgirl.

Bottle up gallons of water.And pack 2 towels. For a seemingly low impact exercise, I was sweating a bucket . I was dripping off areas I thought werent humanly possible. Also, heres the true tip. The first towel is to wipe all that sweat off, the second towel, however, is the tool to fast track and appear like an expert without suffering a ridiculous outfit. Oh, come on, stop rolling your eyes. They ALL do it.

Next, roll out your mat at the front of the class. I hate to admit this, but I am a teachers pet. And I am in denial about this. I completely took advantage of the newbie privileges and positioned myself right in front of the instructor last week. I learnt a fair bit. This week, to appear non-teachers pet-ish, I rolled out my mat in the middle and towards the window. Honestly, as genuine as my efforts were to completely focus, I was completely distracted by the yummy aroma wafting through from the Chinese restaurant across the street. Although, second confession, I still had a wicked time guessing the dish of the minute whilst I was supposedly meditating;);)

And finally, do not try bend in any direction that you're not comfortable with. Even though I was attending the beginners class, there were some pretty complex pretzel like positions we were required to writhe into. To cut a long story short, I nearly sprained my foot. Lesson learnt. Lesson passed on.:):)

So there you have it, people. My two weeks worth of very handy tips for anyone who will listen/read. So are any of you proud owners of interesting yoga/exercise stories or tips? Do share!

Bluffs, Beliefs and Brilliance

2008-11-25T01:02:00.000+08:00

I still remember myself at 8 years of age, sitting down on my red carpet, wide-eyed and filled with awe. I remember the incessant whirling of the ceiling fan and I remember the greyness of the afternoon. Most of all, I remember the man who was sitting in front of me dressed in white-both shirt and pants. A stark contrast to his gleaming dark skin and betel-juice stained lips. He was falling asleep after the hearty lunch. Still, I hung on every word. See, he was the astrologer.

All it would take is one firm clutch at my palm, a few 'hmmmms' and 'ahhhhs' and my destiny would be revealed. I was afraid , strangely, at that age, that he was going to reveal horrible things. That I would be the least wealthy amongst my siblings. That I would achieve the worst grades. That my 'career' would consist of me trudging along at work as the office clerk and would have to pack bread and butter sandwiches for lunch to work every day. That I would bear more kids than I could handle. That when they grew up and were more interested in their own families. That I would die of cancer. Alone. I was sure of it. I could see it in his eyes. I clutched my stomach trying desperately to silence the knotting inside.

Demented kid, I know.

But it didn't happen. He didn't prophesise my worst fears. Instead, he said I would be the most sensitive child. He said I would be the one who cared. He said I would hate school but would thrive later on in university. He said I would make enough money to keep myself happy. He said I was going to be all right. And finally, he said I was going to become a politician. A politician. In my mind, politics was exclusive to the royal family. No really. Come on, I was eight. That's when I decided to believe.

I was determined to become the best politician ever. So, I started reading. I read everything I could get my hands on. Enid Blyton. Little house on the prairie. Jane Eyre. The hunting habits of African desert animals.The complete works of Beatrix Potter. Archie comics.The autobiography of the Dalai Lama. The dictionary. I wanted to know everything. I was about to change lives, after all. I also watched the nightly news. Religiously. 8 o'clock and there I was again, cross legged on my red carpet hanging on to every word of the newscaster. My first living idol was Benazir Bhuto. I would dress like her. Complete with the shades and 4 inch high heels. I was on my way. I started doing better in school. I stopped hiding behind my mother's knees whenever I met new people. I entered a story-telling competition at school. I came in third. And when a kid in school told me that my success was merely because the teachers loved my prodigious older sibling, I shoved her so hard ,she fell back first into a drain. She sprained her arm. I got into so much trouble. But I was proud of myself. Because for the first time, I DID NOT believe her. I knew I told ONE HELL OF A STORY at that competition.

You would think that incident changed my life. It did not. Not in 19 years. You see, in that 19 years lots of things happened. Naturally.Good and bad. I made friends, I lost friends. I did well in exams, I failed exams. I went on fad diets. I loved. I made a fool of myself in many instances. I gave to charity. On the whole, life happened. For some bizarre reason, I took in all the bad and it all piled up. All Yin, no Yang. I became a pessimist yet convinced myself and others that I was in essence a realist. I rubbished my achievements. I took my lessons as personal failings. Negativity buried me.

And then I hit my bottom. I might get into that some other day, or I might not. We will see. Anyway, the bottom was not a very nice place. Lots of carbs but no validation whatsoever. So, I decided to do things differently. My personal systemic change. Complete overhaul.

Mentally, I started saying nice things to myself. I told myself that I was an achiever. I told myself I was kind. I told myself I was destined for blessings. And today, for the first time in 5 years, I lost a couple of pounds. I did not crave food in the middle of the night on some nights (yay!!). When I didn't exercise 2 days last week, I was okay. I actually laughed.

And in the process, I learnt that it is not important what (mis)/fortunes await you. It does not matter that you carry that extra weight. It is just fat after all. A chemical make up. It does not matter if you fail an exam. It does not matter if you accidentally wore the same dress to the same event 2 years in a row. And if there were photographers. What does matter, is YOU. The way you treat yourself. Your mantra every morning when you stare/gaze at your reflection at the mirror. I want to be that kid won that story-telling competition. I want to be that kid who believed. I want to be ME.

Epilogue

2008-11-06T14:14:00.000+08:00

Today, I am making a choice. A choice to dream. A choice to live. A choice to live out my dreams. Because I deserve it. Because I am worthy. Because I need this. Because I refuse to sink.

Journeys, destinations, and epiphonies require the bare, stripped down naked truth. No embellishments, no jades, and no extra sprinkles on the top. So I will tell the truth.

There are both positive and negative truths I need to face up to. Positive first. I am kind. I am beautiful both inside and out. I care. I love people. I am smart. I am funny. I am fiercely loyal. Now, the negatives. I am overweight.I am 5' 2" in height and now weighing 80kgs. My excess weight is threatening to banning me from life. Next one. I am unemployed for now. I need a job so i can live out my dreams. Third, I need to learn to love myself . I need to accept me. Strengths, weaknesses and dreams. All of it.

So today, I am deciding to walk. Walk around the lake for half an hour. I will try. My absolute hardest. Tonight, I will not beat myself up if I discover shock at my unfit body. Tonight I will be at peace.