Why I Havent Written in a While

I needed the time off. I am not even ready to think of anything at this moment.Ever since the bleak diagnosis, my mind has turned towards little else. I am delving deeper into disbelief, guilt ,shame and an inablility to respond to the current situation. I glanced at my diagnosis sheet 18 days ago and have not gathered the courage to read the whole three pages till now. Everytime a mealtime approaches, I visualise my fatty liver , am instantly disgusted and afraid, yet still am tempted to binge to numb the pain. I manage to resist. Most of the time, at least. I dream of strawberry shortcakes and tiramisu all day long. I sleep to numb pain and thoughts. I have not jogged, walked or performed any form of exercise to counter the problem.

I read inspirational blogs every single day. Mari, the strongest person I have encountered, who despite having unbelievably difficult days, manages to savour and turn each moment into a blessing. Nina, who has the ablity to see beauty in cute mugs, hot summer days, and exercise. Dionne-who is her every reader's sunshine (from what I read in the comments section) and Anu, the spirit who rises up again after every blow thrown her way. All of you, I salute and honour you.

What baffles and defeats me every day is my inability to draw from your strengths. I hope I will soon.

Sifting through the information

I am finally back from the hospital today, and boy was I in for a shock. I initially got admitted for for stomach surgery (really awful gastritis) and found a host of other things including:

1. very VERY high stress levels

2. fat in my liver (which I am told is usually found in people over the age of 45- I am 28)

3. an inflammation in my intestines

4. and high cholestrol levels.

I have been prescribed a drawerful of medication and told to exercise and meditate.

I need to change my lifestyle for myself. Starting now.

ps: Anu, looks like I will be joining you on that no alcohol plan for an indefinite period.