Sunday, June 28, 2009

Why I Havent Written in a While

I needed the time off. I am not even ready to think of anything at this moment.Ever since the bleak diagnosis, my mind has turned towards little else. I am delving deeper into disbelief, guilt ,shame and an inablility to respond to the current situation. I glanced at my diagnosis sheet 18 days ago and have not gathered the courage to read the whole three pages till now. Everytime a mealtime approaches, I visualise my fatty liver , am instantly disgusted and afraid, yet still am tempted to binge to numb the pain. I manage to resist. Most of the time, at least. I dream of strawberry shortcakes and tiramisu all day long. I sleep to numb pain and thoughts. I have not jogged, walked or performed any form of exercise to counter the problem.

I read inspirational blogs every single day. Mari, the strongest person I have encountered, who despite having unbelievably difficult days, manages to savour and turn each moment into a blessing. Nina, who has the ablity to see beauty in cute mugs, hot summer days, and exercise. Dionne-who is her every reader's sunshine (from what I read in the comments section) and Anu, the spirit who rises up again after every blow thrown her way. All of you, I salute and honour you.

What baffles and defeats me every day is my inability to draw from your strengths. I hope I will soon.


marinik said...

A few words for you my friend Dash....
don't be so hard on yourself...when you are ready you will find strength in you.. never thought possible.
Always matter what path is put in front of us... we are equipped to walk it...we just need to find the right footing.
Another thought to keep in mind... things can always be worse...than the situation you are in now.
be strong...and stay positive...
"keep your heart open to receive the wonders of each day" (that's a quote from a post of mine) and is very true
love and peace
p.s. I'm glad you wrote today... this is a great place to unload

Anu said...

I wish I was worthy of your salutations and honour, but the truth is, I am not. I am just like u Dash,strugling to be positive amidst difficult times. I may not blog about it, but for sure, I am going through it. I am sure u will be fine, and that u will find the strength to do whatever it takes to make it better. I believe in u!

Dionne said...

I admire your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable with us all. Talking about your fears is a HUGE thing, and I am so honored you would let us know about how you're feeling.

Here's the thing - I am a pretty good judge of character - and even though we haven't met face-to-face, I can tell by reading your posts that you are strong enough to combat this!

naturally nina said...

Oh love... Thanks for writing and sharing with us. I agree with everyone - you can, and will, rise above all of this. We are all here to support you.Be gentle with yourself.

Big huge enormous hugs!
p.s. please keep writing...